You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
