he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
