I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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