we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
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We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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