So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
