The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
