Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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