4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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