Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
