According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
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WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
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After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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