Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
