Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
