Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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