You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
