If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
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I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
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it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
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