i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
