I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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