I met the friendliest cop last night
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
