If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
