dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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