She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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