This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
