I accidentally had phone sex last night
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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