i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
He passed out mid-signature
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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