I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.