cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
25 People Confess Their Favorite Way To Annoy Their Significant Other
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
These 21 Women Share What Sexual Harassment In The Military Is Really Like
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos