My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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