I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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