There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
