I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
