Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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