just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize