I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
