My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
