It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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