just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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