There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
