Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
