So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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