im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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