im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
