Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
