we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
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