Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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