Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Randomize
