There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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