he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
