We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
