Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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