Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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