EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
