I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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