i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
