the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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